Dog Wrestling

Rob says I need to show the dog who's boss. (I say the dog is a spoiled brat, but that's beside the point, apparently.) Specifically, Mattie thinks an appropriate greeting is a full on, paws-to-your-chest hug, several gross slobber kisses included. I'd really be happy to take a simple tail wag and "snuffle", hell, even a few dog kisses on the hand isn't so bad, and in turn I'd give a pat or two, a "hey buddy!" and move on. That doesn't fly around here.

"You have to teach dominance." Rob admonished me after I complained about being bullied by the dog. Again.

I was afraid to ask. "How?"

He says when the dog is hyper, I have to pin him down hold him there until he chills out, which is supposed to convey to the dog that I have the upper hand. Right. Pass me a rolled up newspaper. (Honey, I'm kidding.)

So, for the past few days I've been flinging tennis balls around the apartment to get the dog excited, and then leaping on him, lion-on-gazelle style to pin him. Once I sort of have him down, I have to start worrying about the paws. The first time I did this, I made the mistake getting him down with his paws to my chest. He used my torso as leverage to squirm away from me, and left me scratched up. The second time I did it, I got his paws away from me, but his body was squirmy and I couldn't pin it completely. The third time I did it was this afternoon, and he looked back at me (while doing a great job of shoving my body half-way under the couch) as if to say "Amber, really, what the hell are you doing?"

"Look, buddy, I really don't want to be all up on you and covered in your nasty shedding dog hair; this is Rob's idea."

I think my boyfriend has lost his mind needs to come up with another method of "establishing dominance" that does not involve me getting scratched, hairy, or executing moves that only pro-wrestlers should attempt. Tomorrow I'm going to try the Look of Death. On Rob.