I went to Target today because a new one just opened near my house. (Yay for local Target!) I walked in and was hit by the smell of Starbucks/Pizza Hut. It was incredible, and exactly like what you would imagine it would smell like. Yeah, pure heaven. Anyway, I'm eyeballing the Pizza Hut display my entire time there because I haven't had Pizza Hut since I worked at the Cabaret. We would go down there between our two shows on Saturday and get personal pan pizzas in all their cheesy goodness. Seriously excellent food. I had to have one, because, you know, who needs to look good in a bathing suit come June?
When I was about to pay I saw you could add breadsticks for $.99, so I got those, too. Then the lady in front of me had popcorn, and I freaking love popcorn. I'm a sucker for it's hot, fake-buttery-way-too-salty goodness. When I asked for a bag, the guy behind the counter grinned at me. "Hungry, huh?"
I shook my head and stammered, "Er, um, it's not all for me, I have a friend..." and gestured to the parking lot, implying some co-piggy was waiting for me in the car.
The guy gave me a look, like "yeah, sure."
Well, whatever! I have PMS! Fuck you, Mr. non-craving heartless sonuvabitch pimple faced teen worker from Target!
I started to walk back to my car, laden with enough junk food to feed a fifth grade class, and I see these two moms with six kids under the age of ten. They've obviously got their hands full, as all of them seemed to be making excessive amounts of "squealing kid noise" in varying tones. One of them, about seven years old, was running up and down the sidewalk, screaming his stupid head off making dinosaur noises, or something.
His mother goes "Nicolas, if you don't stop right now that giant red ball* over there is going to open up and suck you into the center of the earth as punishment!"
I spun around (flinging popcorn) and looked at her, like, did this woman SERIOUSLY just say that to her kid? He screwed up his face to think about that one and goes "Aw, you're only joking!" and starts behaving like demon-spawn again. Mom-of-the-year goes "No, I'm not. Don't make me start it up... ok, I'm going to start it up!" and walks over to it. Little Nick looks at his mother, shuts up, turns white and then starts screaming "Noooooooo! I'm sorrrrrryyyyyy!"
She caught me watching the whole scenario (while munching my popcorn, no less) and smiled like "Oh ho! Isn’t it funny that I'm going to have my kid in therapy 20 years from now talking about how I was going to have him sucked into the bowels of the earth?" I gave her my pissiest look in return.
No, it's not funny, you stupid woman. You just managed to terrify your perfectly happy seven year old whose only problem is that he has a mother who doesn't know how to discipline properly! Some people, man.
*Target has an outside display of giant red balls outside their store, stuck to the pavement. These are, presumably, for decoration, not sucking in bad children.