My uncle once: hanged himself from a tree.
Never in my life: have I seen someone oblivious to the damage he has done. You're the rotted root in the family tree... sorry, Dream Theater moment.
When I was five: my mom got righteously knocked up, and now I have a kid brother.
High School was: blury; I kind of managed to block most of it.
I will never forget: driving into a tree.
I once met: A transvestite who wanted a Mary Kay makeover.
There's this girl I know who: Has a piercing in her cleavage.
Once, at a bar: I showed the bartender my bra. Stew was there.
By noon I'm usually: thinking about breakfast.
Last night: I crawled into bed with poor Byron and slept until noon. I wasn't making it down two flights of stairs.
Next time I go to church I: will wish I hadn't.
Terry Schiavo: should have made a living will.
When I turn my head left, I see: A guy weed whacking outside.
When I turn my head right, I see: The vacuum cleaner.
You know I'm lying when: I say "I'm lying". Otherwise, you'll never be able to tell.
What I miss most about the eighties: Being small enough to lay down in resturant booths.
If I was a character written by Shakespeare, I'd be: Witch #2.
By this time next year: my bed will hopefully not be in the basement.
A better name for me would be: Girl Who Drives Bad Cars.
I have a hard time understanding: why people think Bush is wonderful.
If I ever go back to school I'll: get a degree making me, I think, one of the first in our family.
You know I like you if: I'm willing to cook you grilled cheese or scrambled eggs.
If I won an award, the first person I'd thank would be: My own damn self. I want to hear someone say that at the Oscars or something. "I want to thank myself for getting out of bed every day".
Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens, and Geraldine Ferraro: sound like drinks you can make with pineapple juice.
Take my advice, never: ever have sex in a moving vehicle.
My ideal breakfast is: coffee.
A song I love, but do not have is: With the friends I have, and iTunes, this question null and void.
If you visit my hometown, I suggest: You just keep moving. There's not much to see.
Tulips, character flaws, microchips, and track stars: would be fun all together in a musical.
Why won't anyone: tell me what "Dig a Pony" means?
If you spend the night at my house, don't: mind the mess.
I'd stop my wedding for: a cheating discovery.
The world could do without: Policial showmanship.
I'd rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: eat cat poo.
My favorite blonde is: mom!
Paper clips are more useful than: dashboard hula girls.
If I do anything well, it's: write an essay.
The last time I was drunk, I: thought everything was funny. This was last night.
And, by the way: Toffee chip cookies from Stew Lenoards are awesome. I bought a bunch.