How to celebrate your 23rd birthday if you’re Amber

Do a shot of Jack.

Say your first official words as a 23 year old, which was “I’m going to kick ass.”

Do another shot.

Guzzle champagne from bottle, pretending to be a rock star. (Byron’s coolest friend ever move: opening a bottle of champagne for my birthday at midnight.)

Sneak into Byron’s laundry room to take pictures of naughty friends.

Crash into bed around 3. Wake up around 9. Shower. Realize in shower you are now old. Realize immediately after that you are also chubby. Old and chubby. Repeat the phrase “old and chubby” about 20 times and sigh.

Have dinner with family, and have ice cream and cookies instead of cake. Participate in singing the Santos family version of “Happy Birthday” to yourself. (The Santos family version is called “Bad Happy Birthday”; it’s meant to be sung as loud as you can, and completely off-key.)

Make wish.

Play Scrabble.

Get royally pissed off when mom puts down o.k. and you neglect to catch the fact that IT’S NOT A FREAKIN’ WORD and she should have LOST HER CRUMMY TURN! Realize you are a Scrabble Nazi. (No points for you!)

Later, discuss new desk with Patrick, leap up and make impulsive Ikea run for new desk, Byron in tow. Stop by Wendy’s to have first frostie ever. Assemble pretty desk with Patrick without arguing. (Really!)

Crash into bed again and sleep till noon the next day.