How to: Make Amber Food

Before hand: Set iPod to Ben Folds. Begin to "dance". Wash hands. Make soap bubbles by pushing the joints of your index fingers and thumbs together, pulling them apart slowly and blowing.

1. Yam.

Instructions: Have Grandmother bake the yam for herself. Grandma's friend picks her up early. Wander into kitchen. Open and close refrigerator. Open and close freezer. Consider package of tortellini. Decide it's "too much work". Spot yam out of the corner of your eye. Eat only one small piece, leaving the rest for Grandma who did, after all, make it for herself. Eat another small piece. Remember that Grandma ate entire bag of chocolate chips that were supposed to be for baking. Eat entire yam. Do not use fork, knife, salt, butter, plate or manners.

2. Black olives

Instructions: Wander down to basement pantry. Look at cans. Briefly consider calling Rob for dinner, justifying the work it would take to cook tortellini. Mentally slap yourself. Select can of black olives. Cut finger on can opener. Swear. Rush to the bathroom to find a band-aid. Attempt to put one on yourself and get caught in hair. Try again with second band-aid. Pick first one out of hair. Return to olives. Open carefully. Note that they are unexpectedly large (always a nice find! ahem). Put one each on all nine non-band-aided fingers. Every time you eat off one olive, pop on another. Continue until you've eaten all but one, so that later you can say "I didn't eat the WHOLE can". Place lone olive in small Tupperware container.

3. Grilled Cheese

Instructions: Start by ripping sliced cheese into strips. Eat half. Place the other half on bread in pan. Try to make basket weave design. Squish with second piece of bread. Burn one side. Perfectly toast the other. Make crumbs on stove.

4. Drink

Instructions: Hope for diet Coke. Find vanilla soy milk, oj, water. Drink oj. Realize oj and grilled cheese and olives and yam is a not so hot combo.

Feel slightly ill.