It's the End of the World As We Know It

Here's the thing about Crocs, right? Crocs are one of those things that aren't supposed to be a fashion statement (despite what the manufacturers say). They make a statement, sure, but that statement is "I'm here, and I'm not trying to be cute. I serve a purpose; I'm comfortable and I'm functional and I'm really fucking ugly." And they come in lots colors so you can at least have a bit of fun while being ugly, but no one who wears Crocs is wearing them to be fashionable. They're being comfortable. And functional. And really fucking ugly.

I'm not making fun of them, really; on my most recent trip to Disney World I was sporting some heinously ugly sandals to keep my feet comfortable. They're so ugly my grandmother makes fun of me for owning them.

Do you blame her?

So I'm hardly a model of fashionable attire, and it's rare that I point the finger at those who take "unique" paths when getting dressed. I'm ok with Crocs, as long as they know their place: to provide ugly, functional and comfortable footwear to the masses (in fun colors, of course).

What, then, is this?:

Have you recoiled in horror? Have you vomited in your mouth? Because I have.

This is the new Cyprus "style" (I use the term very loosely) from Crocs Inc., and it is touted as footwear that "spices up any fashionista's wardrobe".

What fashionista? Where? Because I'm pretty sure that nobody who is into fashion is going to touch these. I wouldn't, and I'm at a point where I'm so devastatingly unfashionable that I wear my husband's clothes on a regular basis.

Crocs Inc, you're killing me.